the sanctuary within

This past Thursday, I had a hard decision to make.

I visited doctors three hours away from my home, at Vanderbilt University. I am presently in the process of trying to be double-listed with them for my double-lung transplant. And the doctors announced to me that in order to list with them, the next time (and every time) I am sick, I must come to their hospital and stay under their care. They were hesitant to list me otherwise. But agreeing to this would mean that I would be away from my entire family (except for my sweet mother, the only person free to stay with me for the duration).

Perhaps this wouldn't seem like a huge dilemma for some, as it didn't seem like a large problem to my doctors. But as my dear mother so beautifully explained to my doctors: I am not a religious person per se; I am a spiritual being, and my strength in life comes from family and love. And suddenly, they were saying that I cannot have those things, when I am at my weakest. It was a very difficult decision to make: give up my support system, or give up my new chance for lungs.

I took the hard road and agreed, even with my fear against myself and being alone to face the darkness.
But I think this quote below illustrates quite well the mindset that just may save my spirit, and my life:

"Do not look for a sanctuary in anyone except yourself."

Siddhartha Gautama, Buddha

All that I need to survive already lives within me. All that I need to be happy already lives within me.

And I am never without love. We are never without love.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for an inner feeling of sunshine despite the grey skies and rain: I did my monthly grocery shopping, and as oppose to last month, I felt less tired and more energized afterward. A sign that perhaps my recent indoor biking is helping my lungs and endurance a bit.
For this, I am so joyful and grateful.

Dear Readers, please share what you are thankful for. ♥

(Image Source: MrxStitch, edited by RoseAlma)

Thankful Thursday

(Source: Vanderbilt, edited by RoseAlma)

I have so much to be grateful for today. I just returned home from a three-day visit to Vanderbilt University in Nashville, TN. I was there being evaluated for double-lung transplant. (I am already listed at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, but I am trying to be double-listed at Vanderbilt.)

I am so thankful for my beautiful parents and the infinite strength and love they give me in such times. I am thankful for my sweet fiance, who was able to get time off work and be by my side. I am thankful for all the incredible technicians, nurses, doctors, and staff at Vanderbilt, who treated me with gentleness, respect, and sincere kindness. I am thankful all the evaluation tests went smoothly and that, so far, things are looking good. I am thankful to have returned home, safe and sound, despite traffic and a snowstorm. And I am immensely thankful for the love that lives in my heart - before, during, and after this experience. It is fueled by my endlessly loving family, my incredibly supportive friends, and the infinitely beautiful strangers in the world around me. ♥

What are you grateful for, dear people? I have missed you all.

Thankful Thursday

(Source: davidrisley, edited by RoseAlma)

This Thursday I am grateful for my oldest brother, Jason. He recently moved back up to Tennessee after living down in Florida. And for now, he is staying with us at my parents' house. Usually he keeps to himself. He's quiet and incredibly creative, always working on some new project.

The past few days, I've unexpectedly found myself in the middle of another exacerbation - a bout of sickness related to my CF. I'm on IV antibiotics through my port-a-cath. And now ordinary, everyday things have become harder than ever.

This afternoon, I was sitting and doing one of my seemingly regular breathing treatments with a vibrating therapy vest for my chest. I've done this ever since I was a child, and it is routine for me. But the past few days, ever since my lung function has dropped, doing the vest makes me feel like I am suffocating. I quickly become overheated and end up gasping for air. 

Well, this particular time with vest, Jason was the only one in the room. The moment he saw my pale, gasping face, he knew what to do. He turned on our portable standup fan and pointed it in my direction (but not at my face, because he knew that would make it hard for me to breathe too). I started crying a bit, as it was one of my toughest moments yet. Jason came over and held my hand tightly as I closed my eyes and tried to find an equilibrium. His energy and love made an immediate difference. For the rest of the treatment, instead of thinking about how scared I was or how hard it was to breathe, I thought about how much I love my brother. And what a loving heart he carries around so quietly in his chest.

I am thankful for my oldest brother Jason. My quiet, loving protector.

Beautiful ones, what are you thankful for?

I am here with a loving heart.

Hello beautiful world.

I am embarking on a new experience here. Feeling inspired by the strides that a former schoolmate is making to help others (in her case and career: college students), I realized today that I myself have been experiencing a growing yearning within. A deep and genuine desire to reach out to other beautiful souls. People who need or want someone to talk to, or those who need an ounce more of love in their every day life. And I have so much love to give. I want to give it to you.

I understand that before accepting love from someone, you need to trust them. Relate to them. Know them. You need to feel a connection. So I will happily share about the person I am, and what brought me to this peak of love, this gift I lay before you.

My name is Rosie, and I am 24-years-old. Raised in a very large and loving family, I was fortunate to always be surrounded by warmth and laughter. After four years of university, I graduated with an Undergraduate degree in Education. My dream was always to teach preschool. For the last three years, however, my career has been postponed. And perhaps it is gone forever. The reason being, I also face health challenges: I was born with a genetic lung disease, Cystic Fibrosis (CF). And after graduating, my lungs began to decline.

I am now on the list for a double-lung transplant. And every day is beautiful.

I have known for over a year that this was my fate. And I have had many dark moments because of it. But through the darkness, one thing has always helped me to rise above.

Love.

And now, though my health is just as unstable and my fate more uncertain every day, my spirit and heart is stronger than ever. I feel love in the faces of my family, friends, and strangers. I feel love in the wind and the trees and the setting sun. I feel love in the grass beneath my feet and the sound of my nephews' laughs and the touch of my loved one's hand. I feel love in everything. Especially the brief moments that I share with new beautiful strangers. Every hello, every smile, could change the course of someone's day. And I thrive on those everyday beauties.

Aside from being a Peaceful Warrior fighting the battle for my life, I am also a lover of the arts. I'm a poet, a filmmaker, a cook, a beginning painter, graffiti artist, amateur photographer, a musician, and a designer of recycled-paper greeting cards. I love creating, and I love being able to infuse my emotions and love into my work.

So now that you know me more, I ask you... Will you accept my offer of love?


Here is what I propose:

I will be here --> we.are.one@inbox.com
And you email me a question you have, or a concern, or just a pondering about life. Perhaps it's something you feel too shy or embarrassed to ask others, or too scared to ask yourself. Or perhaps you just needed a loving awakening to realize that someone out there cares for you, even if we've never met.
So write me, and I will write or video back. :)

You are loved, and I plan to show you that.

In the meantime, I will share quotes and videos and photos of all things love.
There are so many sources of love in the world, if only we will keep our eyes and hearts open to them.

'Til we meet again, my beautiful ones.
Peace and love to you.
Rosie